The Little Mermaid

No. Not the red-headed Ariel who just wanted to be part of our world. Not the one you're thinking of anyway. I'm referring to the Hans Christian Anderson, Little Mermaid. She swam to the surface world and fell instantly in love with a Prince on a ship that sank. That much most of us know. It is similar too that she saved him from drowning when his ship sank. But here the similarities dwindle. She secretly seeks out the sea-witch who does give her a potion and charges the little mermaid her voice. She is told that every step with her new legs will hurt her as a knife cutting deep. That every breath that she takes will be as fire in her lungs. Our mermaid doesn't care. She takes and drinks the potion then swims desperately for shore as her powerful tail is replaced by painful legs that she has no clue how to operate, and her gills replaced with new fragile lungs that cannot sustain her in the depths. She locates the Prince who takes her in as a ward. He loves to dress her and walk with her, and though every step hurt like a knifes deepest cut, she loves to walk with him. Just being in his presence is worth every painful step and every burning breath.One day on their walks he informs her of his upcoming nuptial to a Princess from a foreign land that will end divisions and wars between his and her kingdoms. There is no, "but darling i love you." It is fact. It is logical. And at the time it is his obligation of privilege. Though walks on the beach are sweet and we are painfully aware of the mermaid's attraction and devotion to the Prince we have no idea of his feelings beyond a fondness for her. On the wedding night the mermaid's sisters pass to her a knife that will turn the new bride of the Prince into sea-foam so that she may have him all to herself again. Yet, while standing over them as they sleep holding the knife, it is her love of the Prince that stays her hand. She looks at him, asleep and cannot harm his bride. She chooses to become sea-foam herself.
Now that we are all caught up... Her love of her Prince to me is more beautiful than that of the love of Ariel and Eric in the Disney version. Ariel does truly give up much in the cartoon but this is different. For her Love, for his presence in her life she willingly... no. not accepts... brings pain to herself. And no I'm not recommending or glorifying self mutilation here. I'm referring to the price she pays to be near him. Every step. Every breath. Each a torture. In exchange for the bliss contained in his eyes when he smiles at her and the ecstasy contained in his voice as he speaks to her... about nothing. No sweet nothings escape his lips. No tender overtures to her beauty and gentle nature. In a sense she has exchanged her comfort for his friendship and one assumes the hope of more.
And we all do that to some extent. We nervously wait for that phone call or text and when it comes, it is as if we were holding our breath and didn't even realize it. The astounding relief that washes over us before we even answer. Before we even hear the sound of our Love's voice or read the simple message they have texted us. It is removed from who we are. or at least from who i am. I would like to imagine that i am strong and to a degree, fairly independent. But i unwittingly find myself at the mercy of hope too. Hope of his friendship, his presence maybe even his love. It's horrible. When i believe I am in love... Whenever my mind is not focused, to laser precision, on a specific task... my mind is on him. With single minded determination i get through my tasks without giving over all of me to this bizarre desire to dream myself into his arms at that moment. But this part of all attractions and love is fairly selfish. Not the giving of self one should associate with love, but the determination to receive a sign, a hug, a smile, a word of encouragement that shows that our Love loves us back.
She can't do it. She cannot destroy his marriage, his happiness with his new bride. She cannot destroy someone he holds dear even as she stands over their marital bed, ripping apart inside. This pain i am sure hurt deeper than any step she had taken on human legs and burned her at a higher flame than any breath she had taken with human lungs. And so she steps back. There is a mention in some versions that as sea-foam she looks over the couple and protects them. The romantic concept here is absolutely ridiculous. I'm picturing an ineffectual cloud of sea-foam trying to thwart any kind of attack. It's laughable and yet i do understand the desire to validate her cowardice. No i am not referring to her decision to leave the bride and groom alive and in each others arms. But instead to her termination of her own existence.
If indeed his presence, his smile, his friendship which has sustained her and is all she has ever received from him is not truly enough, then she has done this ALL for her own selfish need to posses him. And that is not love. I don't need to recite Paul's letter to the Corinthians here. Recited at every wedding and on every cheesy mug sent to a christian on valentine's day. We know the words. But do we act on them? There is much i would give up for those that i love but i know there are things i would hesitate to embrace on their behalf. Though i love him do i need him more? And yes love is give and take and compromise but love is patient, kind, never jealous or cruel or controlling. (Okay apparently i can't help at least paraphrasing it.)
So now i'm trying to say I love you and meaning only that. Placing my hopes for any return of affection into another place in my heart. Acknowledging it's presence and not letting it control or become confused with the purer emotion it began with. Love in itself is innocent and asks for nothing in return. Upon consideration i do truly love him. Examine your love for each person in your heart and ask... Do i love them? or do i NEED their love to hold and sustain me?